Hello there bloggers, hope all is fine where you are on the planet. What follows is a brief explanation of why Simon Bartlett is sometimes - and I stress sometimes, a little down. Its not because he misses home, or the fact you cant get Lucozade Sport in Oz (although this is a sour point for all hotlunchers). No, none of these reasons work, its not even the fact they changed Neighbours to channel five before he embarked.................. it is solely due to him sleeping, or at least trying to sleep, with women he doesn't actually like!!! The first question that may pop into mind is why does he do this? Well there is currently no scientific reason, there have been tests, but it seems the most pleasure young Simon gets from these experiences is when the fine (average) young women in question leave. It all started in Cairns, with a fine young lady, and she was quite a looker. The problem was she sounded like something out of Emerdale, and wouldn't just accept that Simon was Jimmy Anderson....... she pestered him for hours with tedious questions. Simon clearly has read the critically aclaimed book 'A Brief History of Jimmy Anderson'. He got every question right, and got her in bed. Chris didnt find this experience too good, he only wanted a picture to show our adouring audience, and she stole his bloody camera (which has since been returned). There were two other girls in question, the first was pretty enough and as soon as she turned up at our room with her friend in tow (She was friends with one of our roommates) her intentions were obvious. She wanted to schlong Simon. She plonked her formidable ass down next to him and informed him that he was on her team for the drinking card game. She proceeded to ever cosier to the boy from Manchester with blonde highlights, everyone clocked this and winks and nudges were exchanged, oh yes we knew exactly what was going down! Anyway, the night wore on, drinks were had, goon was spilt and dancefloors were seriously cut up. Most of the Hotlunchers returned to the room at various points in the early morning, except for one. Simon. He dragged his sorry ass back to Gilligans (The hostel) at around 4pm the next with our roommate and, dare I say it, new friend Ross (You will learn more about this Fella in a post to come). They had both struck lucky with the two girls who had turned up at our room the night previous. YESSS!!! HE GOT SEX!!! BRILLIANT!!! This would be the normal response to the situation. But something was amiss; Simon looked drawn, he seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. What was going on, we wondered. He plonked himself down on his bed and began to reveal all. I won't bore you with the details but you should consider  the following information in the light of the fact that we were very drunk when she turned up and there was no light on the balcony so we didn't really get a good look at the young lady. I digress, basically he broke the damning news to us by saying, 'Let's just say she had a steak on her shoulder'. This led to confused looks being a exchanged between his captivated audience, 'What are you talking about?', asked Tom. 'She had a bit of meat on her, is what I mean', Si responded. Oh no. This was not good. We all had a moment of silence to reflect on what had happened and then after Simon had had a little sob to himself in the corner we had to just resolve to move in. It's important to have your friends around you in times of sorrow and despair.  Thank god that he had the shoulders of 3 sympathetic Hot Lunchers to cry on. Thank god.

And onto the next girl he didn't want to nob but did anyway! She went by the name of Lisa. She was far better looking but very annoying. For some reason though Si didn't seem to mind this when she took all her clothes off and writhed around with him and let him spray his love tonic on her face! RESULT FOR BARTO!

P.S. Tom had a really smelly shit today.

Until next time...