A few years ago I read a quote by Ingrid Bergman which encapsulated the majesty of film, for me. This quote read something along these lines;

 

‘No form of art goes beyond ordinary consciousness as film does, straight to our emotions, deep into the twilight of the soul.’

 

The only thing is I’ve never really seen a film that has managed to truly live up to this echoing statement…until now. And I have one man to thank for opening my eyes – Simon. I mean I thought I had seen a fair few decent films in my time. Seen a few of those Arthouse movies, a couple of foreign films and even one once that didn’t have neither Bruce Willis nor Ben Stiller in it. But they’ve all been well shit, mate. I have found the Holy Grail of moving pictures and I shall present it’s finest moment in it’s full glory to all you culture vulture thespians out there. Ready? Okay, here we go….

 

‘Nigger, you at least 30.’

 

Oh yes, that’s right, I’m talking about Bad Boys 2. I haven’t seen the whole film but I have very high hopes. If it’s anywhere near as good as the film Martin Lawrence did where he dressed up as a big fat black woman and terrorised Richard and Judy then it must be pretty damn good. I didn’t like that documentary where he made Jacko look like a paedo though, I reckon he just likes toys an’ that. Anyway, the reason that I tell you this is because Simon watches this one scene from Bad Boys 2 where the two ghetto talking policeman exchange street talk in front of a young man hoping to date his daughter. After every night out Simon watches this clip with his earphones in. He sure is a stickler for routine, our Simon. He will return home, smoke 4-5 cigarettes outside, put in his earphones and load up Youtube to watch his favourite scene over and over and over. The only thing he likes more than this is Bacon and Chicken baguettes for his lunch.

 

This is a list of other things that regularly occur in Simon’s life

 

  1. The screws become loose on his sunglasses – this only happens to Simon because of his abnormally ordinary shaped head. Sunglasses manufacturers just don’t expect, you see.
  2. Simon buys tight pants that have bright colours on for large sums of money (we witnessed the purchase of one $40 pair of Y-Fronts), then loses them shortly afterward.
  3. He drives around in his BMW Z4 Convertible Sports car and shouts quotes from popular television chef Gordon Ramsay. His favourite time of the day is during rush hour, as he can sit in traffic and shout, ‘Do you always two time people Edwina? First you're shagging a Prime Minister, and now you're shagging me up the arse from behind’ at the person in front of him. He also likes to use his favourite Ramsayism in places such as the post office, instead of thanking people for things (for example a stamp) he simply responds with ‘Now, f*ck off’ and points at the door.
  4. Simon begs anyone who will listen to go to World bar with him. The boy just loves the place, you know?
  5. Simon refuses Chris’s persistent requests to shave of all his beard and leave just a ‘paedo tash’.
  6. Simon ignores girls and then they tell the other people that he’s pretty. This has lead to large scale feelings of regret throughout the others that they didn’t make the most of this situation. It would have been bare funny to put on a mock parrot voice and say ‘who’s a pretty boy?’. Imagine how much sex we could’ve got off the back of that wicked joke. Unbelievable.
  7. He wakes up the rest of the Hotlunchers to a cacophony of phlegm hocking as he takes a shower. It’s a shame that he doesn’t keep it, because we tricked Tom into thinking that rubbing snot into your balls was a great way of moisturising them. We’re fairly sure he fell for it.
  8. He talks about how much he loves the Thorpedo and how they would definitely be ‘bezzie mates’ if they met.
  9. Becomes less and less concerned with seeing ‘cultural shit’ and gets more and more excited about returning home to England , so that he can drink Lucozade Sport.
  10. Trims his pubes with Tom’s shaver then denies all knowledge. Tom regularly has a small fit when he gets pubes in his beard after trimming it. In Simon’s defence, I don’t think he was the only guilty party – don’t tell Tom though, he might get a bit annoyed. We’ve kept blaming it on the old cleaner woman and I think he’s falling for it.

 

Also, Martin like to poo with the door open. Tom hates it when he does this.