Most of the people reading this blog will know Martin Charles Howarth. For those of you that don’t, please read his biography at the very bottom of the blog. Almost everything stated in this biography is completely true and will allow you to fully appreciate the following blog entry.
Whilst travelling you tend to meet lots of new people. And this is all well and good, especially if you’re affable and genial people such as us. We pride ourselves on being approachable and friendly to all that we meet, so we do. It just gets a bit much for us sometimes. This is because every single time, without fail, the first three questions that are said to new people are always; ‘where have you been?’, ‘where are you going?’ and ‘where are you from?’. It's like this standard travelling greeting. This robotic greeting that kept spurging forth from our unwitting gobs as much as it did from theirs. Imagine having the same conversation ten times a day every day for two months solid. Irksome, to say the least. We much prefer talking about some of our favourite things such as Auto-Erotic asphyxiation. For the more seasoned breathless tosser, you may know it as asphyxiophilia, autoerotic asphyxia, scarfing, kotzwarraism, or breath control play. It’s just something that we dig. Our vibe, if you will. When we first got to Cairns, Martin stuck up a picture of naked woman called ‘Athena’ on the door of our dorm, she was a pretty young lady and didn’t wear any pants, always a bonus. That’s not really got anything to do with whacking one off whilst strangling yourself - it’s just nice to share.
Anyway, what we’re trying to get around to is that, apart from his hero being Stephen Milligan (The MP who killed himself whilst stranglewanking™), Martin has many loves in his life. Since spending day and night with him for 5 months, we have learnt many of them. Here is a list featuring just a few of our favourites:
1. Tucking his tight pink T-shirt into his jeans.
2. Drinking milk so that he has a ‘milk-tash’.
3. Creating awkward moments with people he doesn’t know very well by leaving long silences in conversation and grinning at them.
4. Pooing with the door open and Making sure Tom is aware of exactly what is occuring.
5. Touching himself when he wakes up then proudly showing everyone the resulting erection.
6. Telling everyone that he doesn’t get hangovers then sleeping for 10 hours of the following day with bloodshot eyes and breath that would embarass a crackhead.
7. Informing everyone, “I’m a fighter, me”, when drunk.
8. Honestly believing Johan Elmander is worth £11,000,000.
9. Wrapping his towel around himself in a ludicrous robe-like fashion so that it makes him look 'Arabic'.
10. Trying to figure out how he can make the hair on his shaved head the exact same length as his beard and eyebrows.
11. Referring to himself in the third person as ‘Martin Choppa Howarth’, when ordering soft drinks from restaurants. I.e. "Martin Choppa Howarth would like a Slimline Tonic, please".
12. Stealthily using Tom’s beard clippers for his pubic hairs then leaving the pubes on the sink in a brazen mockery of Tom's ability to do anything about it.
13. The Lighthouse Family.
14. Putting the small grey rubbings from pencil erasers in his hair to make himself look 'distinguished'.
Oh look, here's the little blighter now..
